I’ve been with my husband since I was 16. He knows me better than anyone else in the world, better than at times I know myself, which can drive me a little crazy at times. I like to think I’m quite a laid back person but I do have moments when I get stressed, who doesn’t? Last year my husband pointed out that I only really get panicked when I feel that circumstances are out of my control, and although I’d never thought of it that way he was exactly right. The past few months have felt very much out of my control and as a consequence I have felt out of sorts for quite a while now.
I’ve been sad, and I’m not a sad person. This blog has felt like a bit of a sad place as it’s been my outlet to get things off my chest. I’ve spent too long sat on the couch, drinking wine, comfort eating and it’s started to take it’s toll.
Over the weekend, I took the ultimate test to see how much I’d started to let myself go, I tried on my wedding dress. This was THE dress, the one that made me cry when I first tried it on. The one that made me feel the most beautiful I have ever felt in my life back in December 2009. I knew it was going to be too tight but I was horrified that it wasn’t even close to doing up.
I knew the weight had been creeping on but not to that extent and the scales and tape measure confirmed it.
Enough is enough. It’s time to take back control and start to focus on the future. I don’t want to be sad anymore and I want O to have a mum that he is proud of. I can’t live my life anymore in baby limbo, putting things off, just in case.
It’s time to decorate the spare room and stop saving it for a nursery. The baby bits and bobs that are littered around the house need to be put in the attic. I’m not ready to get rid of them yet, I still have hope, but I don’t need them staring me in the face any longer.
I need to find me again. It feels like for the past two and a half years I’ve been the girl who’s struggling to have a baby and I’m so much more than that. I want to lose the extra weight I’m carrying and to help with that I’ve signed up for a half marathon in September. I’m not a natural long distance runner but I want a challenge. I want to have date nights with my husband, days out with my family and I want to laugh again. It feels like so long since we laughed together.
And hopefully, by the time September comes I’ll be able to fit back into my gorgeous dress and be as happy as I was on that amazing winters day.