For the past week or so I have felt torn.
I feel huge, and uncomfortable. I am down to around four outfits that actually still fit me. My hair is dry, I can rarely wear my contacts as my eyes get too sore and my feet are swollen. I physically can’t breathe quietly and I spill food on myself EVERY time I eat. 80% of the time I have baby feet wedged into my ribs and I have lost the ability to sit in any sort of dignified fashion.
And I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
I had started to believe I would never experience this again, the final days of a pregnancy and these moments are so precious I want to hang on to every single one. Throughout my first pregnancy I was safe in the knowledge that I would be going through this again, we had always planned more than one child. As time passed and the thought of that never happening became a real possibility I regretted not making the most of every moment. With O the end came much too quickly. We had thought we had at least a couple of weeks left of pregnancy but a routine mid-wife appointment at 39 weeks resulted in me being induced two days later. There wasn’t time to enjoy those last few days as we were suddenly thrown into a panic and it was all systems go.
For this pregnancy we have a provisional c-section date booked in but I have to return to the hospital for a further growth scan on Thursday as our consultant is concerned our little boys growth is slowing down. If they are not fully happy on Thursday the date will be brought forward and he could be here sooner rather than later.
Which means my days of being pregnancy will soon be over, and that makes me a little sad. After everything we went through to get here, this is more than likely to be our last baby and my last pregnancy. There will be no more feet tucked into my ribs, no more wriggles and my stomach pointing out at funny angles as he moves around to get comfy.
I will miss being able to rest my hand on my stomach, and absent mindedly stroke it when I’m watching the TV. I’ll miss the gently rhythm of his hiccups that always make me smile. I will soon forget how it feels to have a tiny person kicking you from the inside, and I’ll miss the late night discussions with my husband of what we think he will look like.
For the moment I feel like I’m in pregnancy limbo, on one hand we can’t wait to meet our second child, the baby we have longed for, the final member of our family but I am happy for him to stay tucked up and safe inside me for the next couple of weeks too.
We have a lifetime to get to know our son, maybe I need a few extra days to say goodbye to my pregnancy.