Is This The End?

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I first came across this quote back in January and it has been my mantra for the year.  I have held onto it, repeated it silently in my head when it felt my heart was breaking.  Stupid really, to cling to a few words, but they gave me comfort at a time when there wasn’t much to be found.

When our IVF attempt failed in March I told myself over and over again that this couldn’t be the end.  That our journey to have another child was not over, everything was not okay, and everything has to be okay in the end.  It just has to.

I remember lying in the hospital room as they were preparing to make the egg transfer and they showed us our perfect looking 5 day blastocyst on the screen.  I debated internally whether to ask my husband to take a quick picture of it on his phone.  What an amazing first photo that would be to show our child if this worked.  Their first photo at 5 days past conception.

But something stopped me, it didn’t feel right, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why.  If this didn’t work I didn’t want to be haunted by a picture of what might have been.  Maybe something deep inside was telling me this wasn’t going to work.

Turns out my instincts were right, we didn’t even make it to testing day, I started to bleed the day before.  As I lay on our bedroom floor sobbing, our dreams of a second child fading away I clung to the thought that at some point everything would be okay.  This moment right here would become a distant memory and would be another hurdle we had to jump over to get to the end.

I now know that bundle of cells on the screen that day wasn’t destined to be our baby.

Because this little one was.

Our little miracle, due June 2016.

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36 Comments

  1. mummyofboygirltwins
    November 26, 2015 / 10:39 am

    YAY!!!!!!!!! Oh this made me cry and gave me goosebumps! I am SO happy for you 🙂 Such amazing news. I remember just how hard and tough IVF was and so I am delighted with this outcome for you. Huge congratulations and what lovely news xxxxxxxxxx
    mummyofboygirltwins recently posted…ShortStitch: the shopping service for busy parentsMy Profile

    • November 26, 2015 / 12:08 pm

      Thank you Jess, I shed a few tears writing this. I will never forget how hard IVF was, and how devastating it is when it doesn’t work but we are so thankful and so excited to get to do this parenting journey all over again. xxx
      Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…Is This The End?My Profile

    • November 26, 2015 / 12:10 pm

      Isn’t it amazing? It’s still sinking in but seeing him/her having a good wriggle at Mondays scan made it all a lot more real. xx
      Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…Is This The End?My Profile

  2. November 26, 2015 / 11:22 am

    Oh Jo, this has made me cry, I am so so happy for you lovely lady. I would give you a huge hug right now if I could. I’ve had a feeling for weeks but didn’t want to ask just in case I was wrong. Arrrrghhh so soooo excited for you xxx
    Notmyyearoff recently posted…Baby E at 9 weeks oldMy Profile

    • November 26, 2015 / 12:12 pm

      Thank you so much Tas, I know you know every emotion that we have been through, and I am so glad we both got our little miracles. As much as I don’t want to wish my pregnancy away I can’t wait to have this little one in my arms. xxx
      Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…Is This The End?My Profile

  3. November 26, 2015 / 11:24 am

    Amazing news!!! Congratulations. You were so right in bad moments we must see that this will become a distant memory and reading this fantastic news has made a crappy day feel better. X

    • November 26, 2015 / 12:13 pm

      Thank you, it’s hard sometimes to see when you’re in those crappy moments but I just kept telling myself this would make us stronger. I’m not always sure I fully believed myself though. xx
      Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…Is This The End?My Profile

    • November 26, 2015 / 12:14 pm

      Thank you so much, it’s been so lovely this week being able to share our news. xxx
      Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…Is This The End?My Profile

  4. MummyVs Work
    November 26, 2015 / 11:36 am

    Aww huge congratulations!

  5. November 26, 2015 / 12:09 pm

    Oh Jo, sweetheart!! Such amazing news! I had a wee inkling a few weeks back but I’m so, so happy to hear your wonderful announcement. Huge hugs and congratulations pet. I know how longed for this has been xx

    • November 26, 2015 / 12:16 pm

      Thank you lovely Emma, I can’t quite believe this is happening. After wanting it for so long it feels a bit surreal, but in the loveliest way possible. I’m so excited to meet him or her, O is insisting he wants a brother and already calls it a “him”. xxx
      Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…Is This The End?My Profile

  6. November 26, 2015 / 12:27 pm

    Oh my goodness I could not be happier for you!! Seriously, yay yay yay you are so deserving of your happy ending!! Put the biggest smile on my face! Xx
    Caroline (Becoming a SAHM) recently posted…An almost perfect SundayMy Profile

  7. November 26, 2015 / 12:41 pm

    I can hand on heart say this is one post I’ve longed to read and am over the moon I finally get to. Congratulations to you all. Baby is going to be absolutely adored xxx

  8. Lauryn
    November 26, 2015 / 1:26 pm

    Congratulations! So excited for you 🙂 xx
    Lauryn recently posted…Happy Thanksgiving!My Profile

  9. November 26, 2015 / 2:56 pm

    Oh my gosh! I was so worried when I read the title. But I am so amazingly happy for you. I actually was crying at the end. I am thrilled. Oh bless you lovely. This is the best post I think I’ve ever read. Hugs Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…Getting through NovemberMy Profile

  10. Betty and the Bumps
    November 26, 2015 / 3:52 pm

    Congratulations, lovely Jo. We are about to embark on a similar journey soon so – while I can’t completely empathise with what you have been through – I can 100% understand how you must be feeling right now! xx
    Betty and the Bumps recently posted…Giving thanks …My Profile

  11. November 26, 2015 / 6:10 pm

    Oh Jo!! I think I might have just shed a tear! What wonderful news – I’m so happy for you guys :-)Huge congrats Xxx
    Sam recently posted…The Truth about… #53My Profile

  12. Kelly
    November 26, 2015 / 7:47 pm

    This post has made me super happy. Congratulations so pleased you have your happy ending. Having been blessed with our 5 year old son from IVF it I’d wonderful to see little miracles do happen xxx

  13. November 26, 2015 / 10:17 pm

    Oh Jo! I am in tears reading this. I am so incredibly happy for you – what an incredible Christmas present! Incredible news. That is one very wanted and very loved baby – what a journey you have been on to get here. Stay strong little one. Love to you all x
    Donna recently posted…Winter Care for your Garden: Fruit TreesMy Profile

  14. November 27, 2015 / 7:22 am

    Gosh what a journey. Totally understand why you mean about not taking pics so you aren’t haunted by what might have been. I’ve made that mistake before and it is still unbearably sad. But such happy news at the end of your post! Huge congratulations.
    Chloe (Sorry About The Mess) recently posted…A Simple PaceMy Profile

  15. Potty Mouthed Mummy
    November 27, 2015 / 8:02 am

    I had hoped through some things you’d said that this announcement was coming and I’m so so happy for you gorgeous lady. Just the best news to start my Friday xxx

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