I first came across this quote back in January and it has been my mantra for the year. I have held onto it, repeated it silently in my head when it felt my heart was breaking. Stupid really, to cling to a few words, but they gave me comfort at a time when there wasn’t much to be found.
When our IVF attempt failed in March I told myself over and over again that this couldn’t be the end. That our journey to have another child was not over, everything was not okay, and everything has to be okay in the end. It just has to.
I remember lying in the hospital room as they were preparing to make the egg transfer and they showed us our perfect looking 5 day blastocyst on the screen. I debated internally whether to ask my husband to take a quick picture of it on his phone. What an amazing first photo that would be to show our child if this worked. Their first photo at 5 days past conception.
But something stopped me, it didn’t feel right, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. If this didn’t work I didn’t want to be haunted by a picture of what might have been. Maybe something deep inside was telling me this wasn’t going to work.
Turns out my instincts were right, we didn’t even make it to testing day, I started to bleed the day before. As I lay on our bedroom floor sobbing, our dreams of a second child fading away I clung to the thought that at some point everything would be okay. This moment right here would become a distant memory and would be another hurdle we had to jump over to get to the end.
I now know that bundle of cells on the screen that day wasn’t destined to be our baby.
Because this little one was.
Our little miracle, due June 2016.