I’ve always lived my life with this as a bit of a mantra. I’ve believed that every decision you make helps to build you into the person you are and for that reason you should never regret the choices you make. That’s not to say that given my time again I wouldn’t have done a few things differently. I probably wouldn’t have thought it was a good idea to take a pair of scissors to my own fringe in primary school or drink a bottle of MD20/20 and then go bowling (it was messy, that’s all I’m going to say).
It feels at the moment there are a lot of decisions to make, decisions which could have a huge impact on our family and it is overwhelming. I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future and how everything pans out, but I don’t and I’m scared of making choices that I am going to live to regret. For someone who has prided herself on not stressing about regrets this is very unsettling.
A huge decision that is playing on my mind is where we go next in trying for a baby. Although our IVF failed we were lucky to manage to freeze one embryo and the thought that our potential future child is sitting in a freezer somewhere haunts me a little, like I’ve abandoned them (I know how silly that sounds).
So the decision has to be made as to when to try again with our tiny Frosty. Or do we try natually for a while? If it fails do we have another go, or is that more money wasted that could be spent on O? If we don’t have another round of IVF will I regret it in 5 or 10 years time when it is no longer an option?
Of course there is O. The older he gets the more choices there seems to be to make, and I can only hope that as his mum I make the decisions that are right for him. From September he is due to go to preschool for five sessions a week, these days were booked in almost a year ago now but now I’m not sure it’s the right thing for him. On a Tuesday he goes to a gorgeous nursery and has some lovely little friends and I am reluctant to pull him out. Do I leave him in nursery and send him to preschool twice a week or go with my original plan? Will he miss out on making friends with the children he will (hopefully) go to primary school with if he is only at preschool twice a week? Will he end up being the outsider because he doesn’t know some of the children?
And then there’s me. I’ve been thinking a lot about my career this week. I’ve been happy to work my 4 days for the past couple of years and I love the extra day it gives me with O, but I am aware that in a little over 12 months time he will be starting school (please excuse me while I weep into a pillow at the very thought). It’s playing on my mind a lot whether that would be a good time to think about a new job, although it would mean a likely return to full time employment. A job came up this week at a college I have dreamt about working at, a fabulous reputation, not too far away from home, but starting this September. I’ve talked to friends and family about whether or not to apply and it was a comment from my husband that helped me make my final decision to let the opportunity pass. Whilst there will be other jobs, I will never be able to regain the last year with O before he starts school.
I may live to regret not applying for the job, I still slightly regret not applying for one a couple of years ago because I was so sure I was going to be pregnant soon and didn’t want to start and then go on maternity leave but I think I would regret more losing my last year with my son.
Sorry if this feels like a bit of a rambling post, it probably is. They say you only regret the chances you didn’t take, but when there are two choices to make there is only one path you can go down and one will be left behind. How do you know which is the right road to take? In the past I have always trusted my gut instinct but just when I need it the most it seems to have deserted me.
All I can do is make the decisions that I feel are right at the time and hope for the best.