Who Am I Kidding?

I’ve told myself so many times that I’m okay if we don’t have another child.  That we have a lovely life as a family of three and O won’t be missing out by not having a sibling.  I tell myself that as we move further away from those baby days I wouldn’t remember what to do with a newborn anyway.  And the thought of all those sleepless nights again!

I tell myself that life with just the one is relatively easy, O is a laid back little boy and we have such a great time together.  In 12 months time he will be starting school and I’ll have a little more time to focus on my career again.

I’ve told myself that maybe I’m being selfish in wanting to be pregnant again, in wanting to feel my baby growing inside me, wanting those precious moments when you hold your child for the very first time.

I’ve questioned whether we could justify the cost of another round of IVF, it is so much money and feels like such a waste when it is all for nothing.  I’ve told myself I don’t want to put myself, and my family, through all that again.

I’ve told myself that at 35 I’m not getting any younger and maybe it’s time to settle with what we have and look to the future.

I tell myself constantly how lucky we are to have our son and for him to be so amazingly wonderful I could never put into words how much he brightens my life every single day.

But then I spent the day with my friends 12 week old baby girl.

And whilst every single thing I have written above is still true, it’s not enough to stop the desire to add to our family.  I haven’t held a baby for such a long time but when I picked her up yesterday it was just like riding a bike.  It was instinctive how to hold her, how to carry her.

I watched my son looking at her with a mixture of amazement and wariness and my heart melted.  I want to see his face when we tell him he’ll be getting a brother or a sister, and when we bring them home.  I want him to proudly go into pre school and announce he’s going to be a big brother.

For all the sensible reasons there are to be happy and content with what we have, I’m not quite ready to give up.  I can’t.  Maybe it will all come to nothing, but maybe there’s a little miracle in our future waiting to happen.

Fingers crossed.

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22 Comments

  1. August 26, 2015 / 11:28 am

    She is gorgeous. I often look at your blog wanting to read about a little miracle and say a little prayer for you. 35 is not old. I don’t really have any advice at all but just wanted to say I am thinking of you and I really really hope it does happen xx
    Notmyyearoff recently posted…One month to go – The last month of pregnancyMy Profile

    • Claire
      August 30, 2015 / 6:45 pm

      We were in the same position for soooo long it nearly killed me. It took 4 yrs to have our beautiful baby girl and she is everything we have ever wanted. Our gorgeous son is now 7 and he adores his baby sister. She loves the bones of him. I understand your feelings so much. I am 37 now so its not too late x

  2. August 26, 2015 / 11:51 am

    Thanks Tas, I’m praying for a little miracle too. Actually the pic is O when he was a few weeks old, I forget how tiny he was. Hope you’re enjoying your last couple of days in work xxx
    Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…Who Am I Kidding? My Profile

    • Mariana
      August 30, 2015 / 6:49 pm

      We had IVF with our first one and I always thought that’d we were blessed with our miracle. But as you, I always wanted a sibling for her. And all the same reasons went through my head, too expensive, too tiring, etc. And then one day, we thought that we wouldn’t lose anything by trying. Before I realised, we were pregnant with our second! I’m now 25 weeks and I’m still a little bit in shock :-). I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you x

  3. Stevie
    August 26, 2015 / 2:35 pm

    It’s okay to want more because that yearning forms at your heart and it’s motivated by your love. Your love for another child, your love for your son and your husband, your love for caring for and nurturing another precious him or her.

    I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do, those of us who struggle with the one thing we were meant to do. What *are* we supposed to do with that? It’s a frustrating paradox and the answers are expensive–and even then, nothing is guaranteed.

    You pray, you vent, you lean on us. You can lean on me. 🙂
    – Stevie
    Stevie recently posted…Hormones, Tattoos, and . . . Ovulation Predictor Kits?My Profile

  4. Vikki Sanderson
    August 30, 2015 / 12:05 pm

    Although my situation is very different to yours…I’m 26, with 2 boys and 5 and 3. My 3 year old starts nursery next week and I’ve said since he was born I didn’t want any more, but then my friend had a baby girls, who’s now 4 months old and I’ve been so ridiculously broody. The thing is I have health issues and I’m not sure they’d hold up throughout another pregnancy. But the main thing stopping me is the fact I had PND with my first and 10x worst with my 2nd and I’m scared that maybe another one would tip me over the edge as I’ve never received much support with it. However, all of this doesn’t get rid of the broody feeling! 🙁 The other half is totally adamant he doesn’t want another child which, although I respect his decision, I’m not going to lie – it does upset me a little bit.

  5. Claire
    August 30, 2015 / 12:27 pm

    I am in your position but I’m 41 🙁 we’ve had a failed round already and have 2 snow babies left. I’m too ill for treatment just now. I am so envious of my lucky friends with their 2nd babies. I also want a miracle and i’m nowhere near ready to give up. Xx

  6. C Barrowman
    August 30, 2015 / 12:35 pm

    I’m 41 had my son at 35. I’ve wanted another ever since but it never happened. I like u tell myself I’ve got one and focus on work etc. I’ve seen other mums have kid after kid and it is hard but I tell myself it might not be meant to be but I will love and support the son I do have.

  7. Kelly
    August 30, 2015 / 1:34 pm

    Reading this I could have written this myself. Our son moves into year one this week, we had to have icsi for our son the first attempt did not work but we were luck enough to have frozen embryos and that was successful. I am 36 in November and as time ticks by I have said the same as you have mentioned, however when anyone has I new born I say how scared I am to hold them as they are so tiny. This little white lie keeps me sane as the truth is holding a newborn makes the aching in side harder to control. I am so thankful for what we have but is so lovely to read something that echos the true feelings. Xx

  8. Gemma
    August 30, 2015 / 4:20 pm

    I am so with you on all those feelings. We couldn’t afford IVF and I kept telling myself for years that we were so so lucky to have our beautiful little girl. Over the years everyone around us was having their 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies…and before we knew it 8 years had gone by. 7 months ago we had the biggest surprise of our lives when we got a positive pregnancy test! Baby girl number 2 is due in 6 weeks and all I can say is please don’t give up hope. The day we got that positive test we had been trying for 8 years and 2 months. My daughter is about to go into year 5 so the baby years are a long time ago for me! Thinking of you xxx

  9. Charlotte
    August 30, 2015 / 6:20 pm

    I understand how you feel. This was me about 2 years ago. I wanted another baby so much. My son about to start school and I had been trying for over 2 years. I still kept hoping and at the age of 37 I fell pregnant. I now have a gorgeous 1 year old little girl. So I am saying 35 isn’t too old and don’t give up hope. Xx

  10. Leaticia
    August 30, 2015 / 6:29 pm

    Wow i can relate to ur story too.Thank u for sharing♥♥♥♥

  11. Al
    August 30, 2015 / 8:51 pm

    I’m very lucky, I have a 3 year old from IVF and a 1 year old who was a frostie. Both boys. But I sometimes yearn for a little girl, when I see all the pretty clothes and hairstyles. I want to have that mother/daughter bond that lasts forever. I also loved being pregnant.
    I was 34 and 36 years old having my boys. You are certainly not too old.

  12. Sian
    August 30, 2015 / 10:37 pm

    Hi Not A Frumpy Mum,

    I am in a very similar situation. It breaks my heart every day despite having a beautiful healthy little girl. I think having had two miscarriages has made it worse and now even the remote suggestions of pregnancy terrifies me! It is reassuring other people feel the same way x

  13. Jane
    August 31, 2015 / 2:18 am

    It took us 5 years to have our first baby. Rounds of fertility treatment, a loss, IVF and finally our little girl who is now 3. Baby number two came along unexpectedly and I have a 17 month gap between them. What a huge surprise and blessing. I was 38 when I had my first and 39 with number 2 – you still have time! I often think about another one – my head tells me I am lucky with what I have (and I am very lucky and very happy) but some times the heart tells me just one more?

  14. August 31, 2015 / 8:09 am

    Ah Jo, this is such a beautiful post. I so hope another baby is in your future lovely and you can add to your gorgeous family xxx
    Hayley @hayleyfromhome recently posted…Today You Are FourMy Profile

  15. Louise
    August 31, 2015 / 8:26 am

    I so hope it happens for you! I longed for another baby. I fell pregnant with my son (now 11) with realtive ease but tried for 8yrs to have another. Lost twins after 5yrs of trying & then felt close to losing my relationship because of all the stress of ttc. I’m now 34 & sadly had to have a hysterectomy this year so my dreams are now shattered. So few people really know what it’s like. Never give up hope xx

  16. August 31, 2015 / 11:26 am

    Oh I’m praying so hard that it will be your family’s turn next. You deserve this and so does little O. I can hear the sincerity in all of your words – from the first few paragraphs to the last. What a mix of emotions you must be experiencing. Everything crossed for you and more. xx
    Suzanne3childrenandit recently posted…Photo of the week 35 / A Quiet LifeMy Profile

  17. Joylindsey Mahoney
    August 31, 2015 / 11:44 am

    I am very Lucky to have two beautiful healthy children. A head strong independent daughter of 5 and a loving sweet if not a little bad tempered 3 year old son. However with all the blessings of my husband and children I too still wish for those precious moments of a new baby needing me and wanting my help as only a baby can.
    In those practical moments I worry about cost, child care, the upheaval of needing a bigger house and car. Yet in the early hours when I wake and can’t sleep I find myself picking names and imagining how my new baby might look, sound grow and develop.
    Keep going and do what feels right xx

  18. Angela
    August 31, 2015 / 1:05 pm

    This sums me up perfectly, I can’t even let myself think about it anymore as I don’t think I will ever get over it

  19. Potty Mouthed Mummy
    September 5, 2015 / 6:37 pm

    I convince myself a lot of the time that it’s fine we probably won’t ever have another but there is a bit inside me that knows I truly would like another one. I’ve recently been called selfish for only having one and that hurt me quite a lot. I will be keeping all my hopes and prayers for you lovely, I hope it all happens for you so very much xx
    Potty Mouthed Mummy recently posted…Five Films I LoveMy Profile

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