I’ve told myself so many times that I’m okay if we don’t have another child. That we have a lovely life as a family of three and O won’t be missing out by not having a sibling. I tell myself that as we move further away from those baby days I wouldn’t remember what to do with a newborn anyway. And the thought of all those sleepless nights again!
I tell myself that life with just the one is relatively easy, O is a laid back little boy and we have such a great time together. In 12 months time he will be starting school and I’ll have a little more time to focus on my career again.
I’ve told myself that maybe I’m being selfish in wanting to be pregnant again, in wanting to feel my baby growing inside me, wanting those precious moments when you hold your child for the very first time.
I’ve questioned whether we could justify the cost of another round of IVF, it is so much money and feels like such a waste when it is all for nothing. I’ve told myself I don’t want to put myself, and my family, through all that again.
I’ve told myself that at 35 I’m not getting any younger and maybe it’s time to settle with what we have and look to the future.
I tell myself constantly how lucky we are to have our son and for him to be so amazingly wonderful I could never put into words how much he brightens my life every single day.
But then I spent the day with my friends 12 week old baby girl.
And whilst every single thing I have written above is still true, it’s not enough to stop the desire to add to our family. I haven’t held a baby for such a long time but when I picked her up yesterday it was just like riding a bike. It was instinctive how to hold her, how to carry her.
I watched my son looking at her with a mixture of amazement and wariness and my heart melted. I want to see his face when we tell him he’ll be getting a brother or a sister, and when we bring them home. I want him to proudly go into pre school and announce he’s going to be a big brother.
For all the sensible reasons there are to be happy and content with what we have, I’m not quite ready to give up. I can’t. Maybe it will all come to nothing, but maybe there’s a little miracle in our future waiting to happen.