Knowing We Are Complete

For a long time I always felt we were missing something.  No, that’s not quite true, we weren’t missing something, we were missing someone.  I’d never planned to have just one child, I always knew I wanted more.  When I was pregnant with O we would light-heartedly discuss whether we wanted two or three children, naive in thinking that decision would be entirely down to us.

We started trying for a second child as O turned one, excited and hopeful that before too long we would be expecting a new arrival.  I was in my early 30’s, time was on our side.  If you’ve been a long time reader you’ll know that life didn’t quite go according to our plan, the months of trying turned into years.  As everyone around us fell pregnant with their second and third child we still waited.

That feeling of being incomplete was a tough one to come to terms with, the feeling of crushing disappointment each month when my period would show up, the worry as the age gap between O and any sibling was getting bigger and bigger.  In some ways you get used to it, mostly because you have to, but it’s always there.  Lingering in the background were emotions of feeling like a failure as your body lets you down, anger that it couldn’t do what came so easily to others, what had come so easily to us the first time round.  You hate yourself for the jealousy you feel as another friend announces their pregnancy.

But we did get our happy ending, our beautiful boy came along when we least expected it.  We hadn’t quite given up hope but we were close to it.  I look at him and still can’t believe how lucky we are.

He was our missing something, he is the person who has made our family complete.  I always wondered how people know when their family is done.  After wanting to be pregnant for so long I often wondered what it would feel like to not want it.  I couldn’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t want another baby.  Even when I was pregnant with G I wondered whether I would continue to feel broody even when he was in our arms.

For a while I did, that newborn phase is so intoxicating, so overwhelming and a little bit addictive.  As I left the hospital maternity ward it felt strange to think I would probably never be here again.  In reality, I doubt that we could even conceive another child, I’m older now and I have quite a lot of scar tissue after having two c-sections, but a part of me still wondered what if we could.

G turned six months at the end of November and for the last few weeks I’ve slowly started to realise something.  My family is complete.  That feeling of wanting another baby isn’t there anymore.  Everything is starting to get a bit easier after the craziness of a newborn and life is pretty good at the moment.  We’re happy.  Don’t get me wrong, we still have the same family squabbles that everyone has, I can still be a bit too snappy when O hasn’t stopped asking questions for over an hour, but it’s the little things that are soon blown over.

Of course, we get the obvious “Will you be trying for a girl?” and my husband and I are both very clear on that answer.  It’s a firm no!  Being a boy mum just feels right and I couldn’t have asked for two more wonderful sons.  I loved being pregnant, it was the most wonderful time (both times) and I think I will always miss my bump but that is now in the past and we are looking forward.  As G outgrows his baby things we are clearing out instead of storing them to use again in the future.

I think it’s now only hitting me how much the years before G really affected me.  They made be feel like I wasn’t good enough and I questioned myself constantly.  Without being too cheesy about it I feel like a new person and like a new phase is beginning.  I feel I can be the woman and mother I was always meant to be.

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17 Comments

  1. December 5, 2016 / 6:38 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. It must have been very difficult but you have a beautiful family now and I’m so happy you feel complete. I can only imagine what it was like, we have a six month old but know we still have a little somebody or two missing. #marvmondays

  2. December 5, 2016 / 6:38 am

    Lovely lovely post Jo and I think I could have written this myself. I think we’re done too. We are so lucky to have our two boys, i dont think I could ask for more. We are going to have a huge clear out over Xmas :). I had a huge panic when I realised we were done. Sort of like “uh oh, what now”, as it was just all about the baby for so so long I think I forgot about looking to the future at anything else. but I think I’ve come to terms with it now and it feels ok
    Notmyyearoff recently posted…Those Christmas hot chocolatesMy Profile

  3. December 5, 2016 / 7:15 am

    Oh this is lovely! I am so glad that you feel complete now. We are also done now that we have 2. It must be so tough waiting and wondering if you will be lucky enough to have another. I know that frustration of seeing your period has started again… no baby this time. But I’m so pleased to hear that it worked out for you #MarvMondays

  4. December 5, 2016 / 7:58 am

    What a beautifully written post. It always irritates me a bit when people ask if we’ll have more. We too are complete now and lucky to be! Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays

  5. December 5, 2016 / 8:49 am

    Oh this is such a beautiful wonderful and honest post. What a wonderful moment to have reached and to know that you are now complete. I’m so pleased for you. Such a gorgeous gorgeous picture too – go enjoy and make memories lovely #MarvMondays

  6. December 5, 2016 / 10:11 am

    Such a lovely post! I’ve always wondered how you know when you’re done with having children and you’re complete as a family. After having our second baby 5 months ago I feel a little torn between saying we’re done and leaving that door open because it all just feels so final. I can’t imagine being pregnant again, but I can’t imagine saying that’s it too.. Thanks for sharing this on #MarvMondays. Emily

  7. December 5, 2016 / 3:36 pm

    A really lovely post! I know what you mean about that feeling of not being done. It’s still an unresolved discussion in our house right now…. It’s lovely that you have enjoyed your pregnancies though and are content moving on to the future. Hope it’s full of lots of happy times x #MarvMondays
    Angela Watling recently posted…The reality of being a working mum – 10 months inMy Profile

  8. December 5, 2016 / 4:24 pm

    There is something quite unexplainable about when you feel complete. It took me till 6 children but the last three came at once as triplets and that was a definite full stop. I’m pleased you have that feeling of completeness, enjoy your lovely family. #MarvMondays

  9. December 5, 2016 / 8:45 pm

    This is a lovely post. Sometimes it is nice to be happy with what you’ve got. Especially after wanting something more for so long. Whether I’m
    Broody or not, we are not having any more after this one and, in a way, I
    Feel a bit relieved that instead of constantly thinking about wanting something, I can just enjoy my family (hopefully) xx

  10. December 5, 2016 / 9:14 pm

    Aww this is a lovely post Jo, I’m so glad that you are feeling so happy and content with your little family. You do have a beautiful family x #marvellousmondays
    Kerri-Ann recently posted…Our little family weekend…My Profile

  11. December 5, 2016 / 10:23 pm

    This is beautiful and something I have know all too well. That feeling of incompleteness is hard to describe. We have waited 10 years to complete our little family and it is strange to not crave being pregnant having felt.it so keenly every day for those oh so many years.

    What a lovely feeling it is now isn’t it?! Xxx
    #marvmondays

  12. December 6, 2016 / 1:18 pm

    I’m glad you got your happy ending on the end and I think you’re right when you say you know you are done. I knew I wanted another baby when my son was just six months old and I kind of thought I was done when my next baby came along. The last three years have been difficult with both of my youngest having developmental delays and I can say now with absolute certainty that our family is complete. You just know.

    #Twinklytuesdays

  13. December 6, 2016 / 2:28 pm

    Ah this is so lovely Jo. You went through so much to get here and it is lovely to read how happy you are with your beautiful boys xx

  14. December 6, 2016 / 4:35 pm

    Glad you got your happy ending. It’s really tough having fertility struggles while others seem to breeze it, and people need to read blogs like this to know they’re not alone. I’m pregnant with number 3, my complete number after six miscarriages. I’m really pleased to get my happy ending too.

  15. December 7, 2016 / 3:32 am

    We are complete now too. I have been fortunate to not have too much problems pregnancy wise and when I hear another couple are struggling to conceive etc I always feel grateful and relieved that we are complete and do not gave to go through that. I’m really happy that you have your beautiful boys and are feeling so happy. Enjoy. X #marvmondays
    Claire recently posted…Days out – Grizedale forest My Profile

  16. December 9, 2016 / 3:47 pm

    This is beautiful Jo, I’m so happy for you and I love seeing photos of you and your lovely boys. Being a boy mum is the best and I’m so glad that you got that happy ending! xxx
    Hayley Smith recently posted…Stories For Life – Books for ChildrenMy Profile

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